The Parenting Experts: Great Parenting

The Truth Radar

Imagine the truth radar as something similar to the radar screens of air-traffic controllers. There is a core, or center area, and this is absolute truthfulness. The farther you move away from the core, the farther you move from the truth.

We all want truthfulness—in every area of our lives. How far from that core will your conscience allow you to move before you start to “blip?” For example, perhaps telling a “little white lie” doesn’t move you too far from the core. But a pattern in which you continually tell people what they want to hear may create more blips than you can handle. Regarding the deeper issues of truth, we can find ourselves slowly moving away from our core, until we are far from the truth. We have grown accustomed to hearing the warning blips—and to ignoring them.

 

If you’ve attended a Biggest Job workshop, you’ll remember the question: “What do we most want for our children?” Honesty would probably be in the top three on your list, as it is on most parents’ lists. Are your words matching your deeds? In other words, are you modeling honesty for your kids in every area of your life? Our commitment to our children may be the biggest motivation: We have to stay close to the core of our truth.

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By Pam Hardy, as taken from this month's The Biggest Job/Parenting Expert eNewsletter. Sign up to receive the eNewsletter at http://www.hyde.edu/about-hyde-school/hyde-email/ and choose "Parenting Expert."

Truth Over Harmony

Most people who come to a Biggest Job workshop are honest people. We all want our kids to be honest, yet we begin to move away from the truth when the desire to get along takes over. That's when harmony comes in.

True harmony is a wonderful thing, and in some cultures is that state of being where everything comes together. The only problem is that we usually do not attain that "harmony" without a commitment to first work through the truth.

Where is the weight of your foot in your family? Is it in the desire to get along? Or is it in a commitment to the truth? When the weight of our foot is in truthfulness, harmony will eventually follow. Ask your kids, do you think I am a totally honest person? If they say no, ask them where they see dishonesty in you. And then listen, without defending yourself.

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By Pam Hardy, as taken from this month's The Biggest Job/Parenting Expert eNewsletter. Sign up to receive the eNewsletter at http://www.hyde.edu/about-hyde-school/hyde-email/ and choose "Parenting Expert."

Author Malcolm Gauld to Discusses College Tips on WCSH6

Watch Malcolm Gauld discuss his new book, College Success Guaranteed: Five Rules to Make it Happen, on WCSH6.

Parenting Expert and Author to Offer Workshop in Kennebunk, ME

Parenting expert and author Laura Gauld will present a workshop geared to parents, educators, and professionals interested in learning ways to parent effectively. Members of the community are invited to attend The Biggest Job Workshop on Thursday, October 27^th, 2011  from 7 – 8:30 p.m. at the Kennebunk Town Hall Auditorium, 1 Summer Street in Kennebunk, ME. Gauld’s interactive presentation is high-energy, compelling, and often humorous; it is based on the 10 Priorities outlined in her book The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have: The Hyde School Program For Character-based Education and Parenting (Scribner).

Laura Gauld is Executive Director of Hyde Schools, a network of public and private schools whose pioneering philosophy has been profiled on 60 Minutes, 20/20, Today, PBS and NPR. Widely known for her success in setting up families, children, and business communities for success, she draws on more than three decades of experience as an education and parenting expert.   

The workshop is focused on how to raise and teach children effectively. Its messages are straightforward: the way adults live their lives must be consistent with the way they raise and teach children; principles are the most powerful force in influencing children in a positive way; and parents should focus on personal growth to allow their best parenting instincts to emerge. Participants learn specific ways to strengthen child-adult bonds and family relationships, to inspire children to fulfill their highest potential, and how focusing on attitude over aptitude, truth over harmony, and principles over rules can lead to success in efforts to positively influence children and teenagers.

“Parenting is the biggest job we’ll ever have,” says Laura Gauld, emphasizing that “It is hard; it is doable, and it is never too late to raise adults with strong character who can be leaders and make solid contributions to the world.”

To register for the workshop, or for more information, contact Jill Miller, 207-468-8682 or millerkennebunk@roadrunner.com.  This event is free to the public. For more information about the workshop schedule or the Hyde Schools, log on to its Web site at www.hyde.edu.

Advice for the College-Bound

by Malcolm Gauld
President, Hyde Schools
Author, College Success Guaranteed – 5 Rules to Make It Happen

As summer draws to a close, hundreds of anxious teenagers anticipate the transition from high school to college.  Whether heading out of state or staying close to home, a brand new world awaits.

Having taught high school students for 35 years, I’ve watched thousands of kids make this transition.  I’ve also observed that some return to visit a year later with the aura of conquering heroes while others look and feel, well, pretty bummed out.  I recently wrote a book intended to help more students complete Year #1 as a member of the first group.

Relax… I avoid the “don’ts” that your parents, relatives, teachers, and coaches have no doubt already covered.  I also resist the temptation to lay a guilt trip over how much it costs.  (That’s because I’m trying to figure out how to pay for the college expenses of my own kids!)

Instead, I offer five simple rules for success that come highly recommended by the scores of college students I interviewed for the book.  Rules may not be cool, but consider the notion that the biggest threat to first-time college students is the danger of drowning in free time.  You’re about to be thrown into the deep end of the pool.  Maybe a few simple rules can help you find your stroke in the early going.  Here goes:

Rule #1:  Go to Class!

Whenever students and/or parents first hear this rule, they invariably respond with “Duh!!!”  Back in high school, if you just stopped going to class, you’d likely find yourself in hot water within 24 hours.  In college, chances are good that no one knows or cares if you are going to class at all.  All of the students I have known who have failed out of college have shared one thing in common – they didn’t go to class.  Conversely, I have never met a student who went to all of his/her classes who flunked out of school.  If you honor the simple commitment to attend all of your classes, a number of good things will fall into place.  Furthermore, a whole host of bad ones will never visit your door.

Rule #2:  Study 3 Hours Times 5 Days Per Week

Just as you need to go to class, you need to study.  (I know… “Duh!!!”)  Many students struggle with the idea of transitioning from “homework” (a term you will never hear in college) to “studying.”  Whereas your high school teachers might tell you your assignment for the next day, your professors might present you with a semester-long syllabus on the first day of class.  You may have nothing due for six weeks.  Before you exclaim, “College is awesome; let’s party!” Think again.  It can be hard to make yourself study when nothing is due for a month and a half.  So, rather than focus on assignment completion, commit to studying for a set amount of time each and every weekday regardless of what is due.  I’m not promising that you’ll make Dean’s List, but if you can commit to a minimum of 15 hours per week, you will be a student in good standing.  You will also minimize the anxiety many of your schoolmates will face as papers and exams come due at the end of the semester.

Rule #3:  Commit to Something

I have heard many parents urge their students to refrain from athletics and extracurricular activities in the first year.  I disagree.  When I was in college, I played a spring sport.  I also did better academic work in the spring than I did in the fall.  I had to keep a schedule.  My coach would check up on my grades.  I couldn’t split for long weekends because I had to go to lacrosse practice.  If sports aren’t your thing, try out for a campus theatrical production, write for the paper, get involved with campus recycling, get a work-study or off-campus job.  Not only will a regular commitment to something connect you with constructive and maybe even lifelong friendships, my experience says that your participation will enhance (and not detract from) your academic performance.

Rule #4:  Get a Mentor

Whether a professor, coach, dean, or off-campus employer, seek out people with life experience who can give you both support and a kick in the pants when you need it. In high school, teachers are expected to look out for you and lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on when you need it.  While you don’t need these things any less in college, assume that the burden lies with you to take the initiative and seek them out.

Rule #5:  Procrastination Kills

In one group interview, I asked, “What is the one thing you would tell a kid starting college tomorrow?”  One student responded, “Procrastination Kills.”  Then everyone in the room began sharing their procrastination stories, unknowingly serving up an assortment of tricks and techniques, many of which found their way into my book.  While these were all over the park, they had something to do with doing something… Right  Now.

Look at it this way, there are 168 hours in a week.  The above five rules will tie up less than a quarter of them, leaving you with 120+ for purposes of sleep, leisure, and recreation.  (Yeah, college is awesome indeed!)  I don’t promise that you’re about to experience the best four years of your life.  But there’s gotta be a reason why so many people say so.  Good luck and… Go To Class!

Happiness – Good By-Product… Bad Goal

by Malcolm Gauld
President, Hyde Schools
Author, “College Success Guaranteed: Five Rules to Make It Happen” | Amazon | Facebook

Entering my third decade as a high school teacher in the late 90s, I wasn’t sure why I cringed when I would hear teenagers refer to Mom or Dad as “My Best Friend.”  Everyone in the room would beam with warmth.  It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard to me. 

Maybe that’s why my heart lifted when I saw the cover of the July/August Atlantic Monthly magazine.  Featuring an illustration of a golden trophy inscribed with the citation “Good Try,” the headline screams: How the Cult of Self-Esteem is Ruining Our Kids.  The main article, by Lori Gottlieb, is entitled How to Land Your Kid in Therapy – Why the Obsession With Our Kids’ Happiness May Be Dooming Them to Unhappy Adulthoods.

Combining her research with that of several colleagues, Gottlieb makes some points that might strike some as counterintuitive.  She…

• Argues that our obsession with happiness (and our warped understanding of it) is doing deep  damage to our kids; 
• Poses the idea that we may be spending too much time with our kids;
• Wonders if we are not serving our own emotional needs at the expense of our kids;
• Thinks we may be giving our kids too many choices.

Regarding happiness, Gottlieb suggests that “The American Dream and the pursuit of happiness have morphed from a quest for general contentment to the idea that you must be happy at all times and in every way.”

She quotes Barry Schwartz, a professor at Swarthmore College: “Happiness as a byproduct of living your life is a great thing.  But happiness as a goal is a recipe for disaster.”  Gottlieb wonders, “Could it be that by protecting our kids from unhappiness as children, we’re depriving them of happiness as adults?”

Using the analogy of a young girl who trips and skins her knee, UCLA psychiatrist Paul Bohn makes the case for resisting the parental urge to immediately jump to the child’s aid: “If you don’t let her experience that momentary confusion, give her the space to figure out what just happened (Oh, I tripped), and then briefly let her grapple with the frustration of having fallen and perhaps even try to pick herself up, she has no idea what discomfort feels like, and will have no framework for how to recover when she feels discomfort later in life.”

Gottlieb notes that helping a child with a skinned knee seems like the right thing to do until “these toddlers become the college kids who text their parents with an SOS if the slightest thing goes wrong, instead of attempting to figure out how to deal with it themselves.”

In Too Much of a Good Thing: Raising Children of Character in an Indulgent Age, Harvard psychologist Dan Kindlon argues that the “psychological immunity” that kids must develop requires an acquaintance with painful feelings: “It’s like the way our body’s immune system develops.  You have to be exposed to pathogens, or your body won’t know how to respond to an attack.  Kids also need exposure to discomfort, failure, and struggle.”  Otherwise, he maintains, “By the time they’re teenagers, they have no experience with hardship.” 

Turning to the notion of quality time, Gottlieb observes, “Back in graduate school, the clinical focus had always been on how the lack of parental attunement affects the child.  It never occurred to any of us to ask, what if the parents are too attuned?  What happens to those kids?”

These days, it has become a badge of parental honor to boast, “I never miss my kid’s games.”  (I know some who rarely miss a practice!)  Just to offer the jolt of a different perspective, I like to urge parents to miss a game intentionally: “You’ll definitely have something to talk about later.”  They invariably look at me as though I’ve been beamed down from Mars.

My point?  Why are you really going to all the games?  Does it fulfill a need that your child has?  Or does it fulfill a need that you have?  Maybe your father never went to your games.  Maybe you’re trying to fix your family of origin.  (Impossible.)    

Family psychologist Jeff Blume believes that “we’re confusing our own needs with our kids’ needs and calling it good parenting.”  He goes on to say, “It’s sad to watch.  I can’t tell you how often I have to say to parents that they’re putting too much emphasis on their kids’ feelings because of their own issues. If a therapist is telling you to pay less attention to your kid’s feelings, you know something has gotten way out of whack.”

Turning to choice, Jean Twenge, co-author of The Narcissism Epidemic, observes, “We treat our kids like adults when they’re children, and we infantilize them when they’re 18 years old.” 

Maybe we give our kids a lot of choices because we didn’t have them growing up.  However, Gottlieb notes, “We didn’t expect so much choice, so it didn’t bother us not to have it until we were older, when we were ready to handle the responsibility it requires.”

Gottlieb’s motivation is fueled by too many patients who seem to love their parents but can’t handle life.  As a parent, which would you rather have: a teenager who occasionally professes dislike for you but grows into a well-adjusted 30-year old – OR – a 30-year old who loves you but can’t function as an adult? 

If, like me, you’re a Baby-Boomer, you probably want both.  So, stay focused on discipline and respect, and chances are you’ll end up with a well-adjusted adult and a loving relationship.  On the other hand, focus on nurturing a loving relationship and you may well end up with neither.  And that’s a lot worse than the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.

Education Expert to Students: Adderall Adds Nothing

The pressure to achieve has created unparalleled stress in today’s college students across America. It has also created bad habits, including cheating, plagiarizing and copying from the Internet just to make the grade.  Now comes the latest response to this pressure: Adderall.

In a current CNN report, students are becoming addicted to the popular prescription drug normally prescribed for kids with attention deficit disorder — not because these students need it, or are trying to get high — but because the medication helps them “focus and pull all-nighters.” In fact, students call the highly addictive pills “study buddies” and “steroids for school.”

What do parents think of this?

Students believe their parents don’t want to know—that they are paying for the report card. But is an at-all-costs report card the bottom line for parents, even at the expense of their child’s health?

Malcolm Gauld is president of Hyde Schools, a network of public charter and prep schools in New York City, Washington DC, Connecticut and Maine that are rooted in character education. He is also the author of the new book “College Success Guaranteed: Five Rules to Make it Happen (Rowman & Littlefield, 2011).” Find book on Amazon.com | “LIKE” on Facebook.com.

“Today’s students are under unprecedented pressure to achieve,” he says. "They know we have created an educational system that values their aptitude more than their attitude, their ability more than their effort and their talent more than their character. They are surrounded by signs that tell them that WHAT they can do is more important than WHO they are, regardless of the code of conduct posters on the classroom wall."

According to Gauld, students are pushed to succeed in a grade-based system that starts naming winners at an early age. A 'win at any cost' philosophy takes over. Kids are gripped by these powerful influences that can and do manifest themselves in potentially harmful ways, including the current abuse of Adderall.

A 2010 study published in the journal, “Addiction,” found that 25 percent of students enrolled at 119 competitive American universities had used the drug as a study aid.

Another 2008 survey study from the federal government’s National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that only 6.4 percent of students had used the drug in the past year, but that college students aged 18-22 were twice as likely to abuse Adderall than non students from the same age group.

“There are serious ramifications to winning at any cost,” he says, “including the loss of the opportunity to really learn and build real self-esteem earned by genuine best efforts and hard work. A report card will not replace that in life.”

Since 1966 the foundation of guiding principles at Hyde lies in what they call The 10 Priorities. These include priorities that often go against the grain of our culture, including Attitude over Aptitude; Truth over Harmony; Principles over Rules; and Valuing Success and Failure.

Gauld has drawn from these decades of experience in his latest book.

“I have taught and coached teenagers for most of my career and watched thousands of them go off to college. Some just take off like rockets from the get-go.  Others either fail to launch or crash and burn before midterms,” he says.

To Gauld, tricks, cheating and “study buddies” are never the way to achieve. The key is independent time management.

“Surprisingly, success in college has little to do with ability but everything to do with a student’s character — how he or she learns to manage time, and employ a little self-discipline.”

For those students and any others interested in beating the odds, Gauld offers a set of well-tested recommendations to students who may need help through the transition to college, and beyond. He acknowledges that while the advice is not necessarily a path to the dean’s list, students who test and follow through with his five tips will maintain “student in good standing” status throughout their college careers.

Here he offers these simple tips, or rules, to help students:

Rule #1: GO…TO…CLASS:  The first rule also happens to be the most important. Sounds simple, but it’s one of the snares of those who don’t complete their college degree. A student’s newfound freedom of time and freedom of choice (which, in the cafeteria, also invokes a common weight gain in the first year) needs to be met with a sense of responsibility.

“Attending class not only reinforces material consumed on the student’s own time, but it fosters a relationship between the student and professor, which makes students less likely to flunk or drop the class. Not attending regularly, or thinking ‘I can catch up later,’ quickly becomes a very slippery slope,” Gauld explains.

Rule #2: STUDY:  Study three hours/day for five days/week. Set aside two days to spend as you please. Do not put off regular studying. Do not “cram” in desperation, believing you will catch up on weeks of lessons the night before an exam. It will not work and will leave you exhausted.

“Fifteen hours a week of study still leaves you plenty of time for social activities and relaxation,” says Gauld. “In fact, it will leave you more than 100 hours. But you’ve got to train your mind and make studying a priority.”

Rule #3: COMMIT TO SOMETHING:  Getting involved in a recreational or extracurricular activity can be the key to not drowning in the ocean of free time that college offers. Tried-and-true activities like sports, drama, student government, campus politics, and even getting a job can be vital not only to an enriching overall experience but in terms of the time-honored notion, “If you need something done, ask a busy person.”

“I have never seen kids fail who applied these steps,” says Gauld. “The only ‘study buddies’ students need are good habits.”

Rule #4: GET A MENTOR: Having a support system as a resource in college is invaluable. Mentors come in all shapes and sizes — including professors, coaches, advisors, and boosters — and the value of their occasional critiques and “reality checks” as well as praise and encouragement can mean the difference between success and failure.

Rule #5: PROSCRASTINATION KILLS: This obvious line from a Hartwick College student says it all, and yet there are many students — and grownups — who ignore its snare.

“There are other basics, such as the surprising importance of eating, sleeping, and showering, and how they are directly linked to getting things done and yet get lost in the shuffle,” says Gauld. “There’s a good chance if you’re not taking care of yourself, you’re not taking care of any business.”

For more information about Malcolm Gauld, his book “College Success Guaranteed: Five Rules to Make it Happen,” and Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by e-mail at rmulligan@hyde.edu and visit GreatParenting101.com and Hyde.edu.

Parenting Expert Laura Gauld Quoted in Parenting Article, 7 Signs She Will Make a Good Mother

Dr. Lawrence Levy consults Laura Gauld in her recent article about the seven most important inner qualities you’d be wise to consider when choosing the mother of your children. VIEW ARTICLE

Parenting Experts Laura Gauld Serves as Guest Blogger on DrGreene.com

Parenting expert Laura Gauld and award-winning co-author of the book The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have is also the Executive Director of Hyde Schools. In this blog series, Gauld covers  important points for parents interested in learning effective ways to approach their teenage children about issues they face in today’s world. Gauld’s three decades as an educator at Hyde Schools have provided her the opportunity to work with parents and their children who seek guidance and support for raising strong families of character.

BLOG POSTS BY LAURA ON DRGREENE.COM:

1. Understand your Job as Parent
2. The College Waiting Game
3. Peer Support Can Prevent Bullying
4. Measuring success in School – What is the True Indicator?
5. The Cheating Crisis in our Schools

Joe Gauld's Repsonse to 'Tiger Moms' Published in Portland Press Herald

Maine Voices: Tiger Mom's methods hold lessons for American parents -- and vice versa Melding Chinese attitudes toward success with U.S. appreciation for individuality could pay off for both nations' children. BATH – The response to Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal essay, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," predictably was negative. But having worked in-depth with thousands of families over the past 40 years, including both Chinese and Chinese-American families, I think American and Chinese parents could learn from each other. VIEW FULL ARTICLE | DOWNLOAD PRINTABLE VERSION

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