The Parenting Experts: Great Parenting

The Truth Radar

Imagine the truth radar as something similar to the radar screens of air-traffic controllers. There is a core, or center area, and this is absolute truthfulness. The farther you move away from the core, the farther you move from the truth.

We all want truthfulness—in every area of our lives. How far from that core will your conscience allow you to move before you start to “blip?” For example, perhaps telling a “little white lie” doesn’t move you too far from the core. But a pattern in which you continually tell people what they want to hear may create more blips than you can handle. Regarding the deeper issues of truth, we can find ourselves slowly moving away from our core, until we are far from the truth. We have grown accustomed to hearing the warning blips—and to ignoring them.

 

If you’ve attended a Biggest Job workshop, you’ll remember the question: “What do we most want for our children?” Honesty would probably be in the top three on your list, as it is on most parents’ lists. Are your words matching your deeds? In other words, are you modeling honesty for your kids in every area of your life? Our commitment to our children may be the biggest motivation: We have to stay close to the core of our truth.

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By Pam Hardy, as taken from this month's The Biggest Job/Parenting Expert eNewsletter. Sign up to receive the eNewsletter at http://www.hyde.edu/about-hyde-school/hyde-email/ and choose "Parenting Expert."

Parenting Expert and Author to Offer Workshop in Kennebunk, ME

Parenting expert and author Laura Gauld will present a workshop geared to parents, educators, and professionals interested in learning ways to parent effectively. Members of the community are invited to attend The Biggest Job Workshop on Thursday, October 27^th, 2011  from 7 – 8:30 p.m. at the Kennebunk Town Hall Auditorium, 1 Summer Street in Kennebunk, ME. Gauld’s interactive presentation is high-energy, compelling, and often humorous; it is based on the 10 Priorities outlined in her book The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have: The Hyde School Program For Character-based Education and Parenting (Scribner).

Laura Gauld is Executive Director of Hyde Schools, a network of public and private schools whose pioneering philosophy has been profiled on 60 Minutes, 20/20, Today, PBS and NPR. Widely known for her success in setting up families, children, and business communities for success, she draws on more than three decades of experience as an education and parenting expert.   

The workshop is focused on how to raise and teach children effectively. Its messages are straightforward: the way adults live their lives must be consistent with the way they raise and teach children; principles are the most powerful force in influencing children in a positive way; and parents should focus on personal growth to allow their best parenting instincts to emerge. Participants learn specific ways to strengthen child-adult bonds and family relationships, to inspire children to fulfill their highest potential, and how focusing on attitude over aptitude, truth over harmony, and principles over rules can lead to success in efforts to positively influence children and teenagers.

“Parenting is the biggest job we’ll ever have,” says Laura Gauld, emphasizing that “It is hard; it is doable, and it is never too late to raise adults with strong character who can be leaders and make solid contributions to the world.”

To register for the workshop, or for more information, contact Jill Miller, 207-468-8682 or millerkennebunk@roadrunner.com.  This event is free to the public. For more information about the workshop schedule or the Hyde Schools, log on to its Web site at www.hyde.edu.

Leading Educator Offers No-Nonsense Guide to Surviving College

Darien, CT—For the high-school graduate—and for the parents supporting the graduate—the prospect of starting college can seem as daunting as entering a foreign country.  But leading educator Malcolm Gauld, president of the Hyde Schools, has some straightforward advice for them in “College Success Guaranteed: Five Rules to Make It Happen.”

He will talk to parents and students about his book at 7:30 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday, October 12, at Darien High School, 80 High School Lane, in Darien.  The event is sponsored by the Parent Awareness Network of the YWCA Darien/Norwalk.

Written with honesty, insight, and a touch of humor, “College Success Guaranteed” originated from a speech that Gauld delivers every spring to college-bound seniors. Gauld expanded on his talk by interviewing college students and recent graduates about their experiences. The result is a book that includes candid feedback from students and graduates of dozens of colleges and universities in the United States, with a focus on the simple things to “do” after enrolling in college, as opposed to the “don’ts,” or negative actions to avoid.

Using a frank, occasionally irreverent approach, Gauld breaks his plan down into five rules:  go to class, study, commit to an activity, get a mentor and don’t procrastinate. The rules may seem simple, but Gauld uses the words of actual students and recent grads to deliver essential information. Under studying, for instance, he analyzes the pros and cons of listening to music, how to “rip the guts out” of any book in two hours, group versus individual study and why three hours a day, five days a week is a basic formula that works.

“I have taught and coached teenagers for more than three decades and watched thousands of them go off to college,” says Gauld. “Some just take off like rockets from the get-go.  Others either fail to launch or crash and burn before midterms. Independent time-management is the key.”

Gauld will also offer parents five rules to follow as they help their college-bound students transition from the nest to adulthood.  His message to parents will form the core of his forthcoming book.

Gauld is president of the Hyde Schools, a network of public and boarding schools and programs dedicated to the development of character in students and families, with locations in Bath, ME, Woodstock, CT, New Haven, CT, and Bronx and Brooklyn, NY.  An educator for more than three decades, he is co-author of “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have,” written with his wife, Laura.

Admission is free. For more information about this event, contact 860-963-4721. To preorder the book, go to Amazon.com.  

Education Expert Malcolm Gauld Discusses New College Success Book on WTNH Channel 8

Malcolm Gauld is recognized as one of the nation’s leading experts on character education and parenting. His character development program, delivered at the Hyde schools, has been featured on The Today Show, PBS, and much more. A natural storyteller, Malcolm uses humor and personal experience to convey his practical, insightful, and timely messages on parenting, character, and leadership to a wide mainstream audience. "LIKE" College Success on Facebook.

Education Expert: The Real Price of College Success

As students graduate from high schools across the country and look forward to starting college, parents have more questions than ever.  As their sons and daughters prepare to leave home and start their lives as independent adults, parents are right to be concerned about their next steps.

The freedom that college represents can be empowering for students that are prepared to succeed, or it can lead to disaster for young adults that aren’t ready to manage their newfound autonomy.  According to a 2010 report by ACT Education Services, less than 40 percent of students at four-year public colleges completed their degree within five years, and only 55 percent of private college students persisted in college.  The numbers are even lower for two-year colleges—only 28 percent of students at public community colleges can expect to graduate on time, if at all.

With college costs soaring, it’s critical that today’s students enter college with a plan for their success.  Education and parenting expert Malcolm Gauld is President of Hyde Schools and author of COLLEGE SUCCESS GUARANTEED: Five Rules to Make it Happen (Rowman & Littlefield, 2011). "Like" on Facebook. Gauld has spent much of his prolific career teaching and coaching college-bound teenagers and working with their parents.

“I’ve watched thousands of teens go off to college. Some take off like rockets from the get-go, while others either fail to launch or crash and burn before midterms,” Gauld says.  “Independent time-management is the key to a healthy start—and finish—to college.”

It is no secret there are myriad distractions available to college students that often relegate academics to the back seat. While many students do participate in the work force in order to defray college costs, (The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics recorded more than thirty-eight percent of enrolled college students participated in the labor force in 2010.), current media headlines indicate that college partying is ubiquitous.

Gauld’s philosophy for success in education is based on his experience and success in working with students at the Hyde schools, and raising his own three children. The schools’ educational foundation is grounded in character and leadership development and the notion that who you are as a person in society matters more than what you can do.

“College Success Guaranteed” outlines a simple plan for students navigating the new world of college life.  The lessons focus on the idea that attitude is everything in college — based on studies presented by groups like Fairtest.org, standardized test scores have little to no bearing on a student’s academic performance in college.  Even the most talented students will struggle in college if they lack confidence, the ability to seek out mentors, and emotional independence from their parents.

Gauld interviewed dozens of college students and graduates to get a first-hand sense from them of what — in terms of pre-college preparation and actual college survival — works and doesn’t, and from that developed five simple rules for college students:

GO TO CLASS: Showing up is the most basic and essential component to success in college. The average college schedule only requires 12 hours of class time, so there’s no excuse for not showing up to learn.  Gauld found that showing up builds character, empowers students to learn, and creates meaningful connections with professors that can last a lifetime.

STUDY: It seems obvious, and yet every year thousands of students fail out of college because their study habits are weak.  Gauld outlines a plan for studying three hours a day, five days a week, that emphasizes “ripping the guts out of any book in less than two hours” and making smart decisions about maximizing learning — without burning out.

COMMIT TO SOMETHING: A study by Iowa State University found that participation in extra-curricular activities like sports, volunteer organizations, political groups, or arts clubs is one of the best ways for students to save themselves from being overwhelmed by the free time college offers.  Getting involved correlates to higher levels of self-esteem, better grades, and lower delinquency rates.  Students that commit to something are also more likely to report feeling in control of their lives, and more likely to continue their education beyond college.

GET A MENTOR: It’s rare, if not impossible, for a student to navigate college alone.  The trick, says Gauld, is in finding the right support systems.  He encourages students to seek out mentors from all areas of college—professors, coaches, advisors, and more — who can offer encouragement, criticism, and access to resources like internships or leadership opportunities.

PROCRASTINATION KILLS: Everyone who receives a college diploma has one thing in common—all got their homework done. That doesn’t have to mean that they always completed every assignment perfectly, but it does mean that those graduates knew how to balance distractions with class work.  Gauld’s advice includes amusing but important tips, such as “Beware the Internet,” and reminders to students that without time to eat, sleep, and shower, they’ll be sunk.

“Parents have a huge role in how well their children are prepared for college, but most likely not in the way they think,” says Gauld. “Giving children at an early age enough responsibility allows them to understand the formulas for reaching desired and undesired outcomes. More and more parents are having a hard time letting go and allowing their children to experience life’s inevitable bumps.”

Author Madeline Levine, Ph.D., writes in “The Price of Priviledge:  How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Unhappy Kids,” parents play a crucial role in helping their adolescents prepare for the freedom that comes with early adulthood and college.  “Kids who have not had repeated experiences of finding ways to manage frustration may give the appearance of moving forward, but they have not accumulated the necessary self-management skills of self-control, perseverance, frustration tolerance, and anxiety management that will allow them to address the more complex challenges that they will encounter as they continue to climb higher.”

Gauld’s experience in working with teens and their families taught him that the best way to parent a college-bound student is to model good character and empower them to take charge of their own lives.  “Parents that have managed their kids’ lives throughout high school are often shocked when their students start to fail in college,” Gauld says.  “But I’ve seen so many students with high academic ability struggle mightily once they’re on their own.  It’s the students that learn early to manage independence, academics, work, social life, and their own emotional well-being that ultimately thrive in college, and in the rest of their lives.”

For more information about Malcolm Gauld, “COLLEGE SUCCESS GUARANTEED: Five Rules to Make It Happen,”  Gauld’s speaking engagements, or Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441; rmulligan@hyde.edu; GreatParenting101.com; or Hyde.edu.  “COLLEGE SUCCESS GUARANTEED” is available online at Amazon.com.

Character Education is the Way Forward - Part Two

SUMMARY: Laura and Malcolm Gauld, parenting and education experts, have prepared a timely 3-part series for your education focus. Enclosed is the second article of the three.

These address the issue of character and challenges that pertain to middle school and high school kids across the nation — namely, character and sports, cheating and bullying, peer pressure, academic pressure, and other important topics. You are invited to run these as a series, or to use any of the press releases.

The Gaulds have led the way in character education for three decades as leaders of a network of public and private schools. Their "Attitude over Aptitude" philosophy has been featured on many major national television, radio networks and news magazines, and in print. They are also the authors of the parenting book "The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have" and the seminars that evolved from it. Laura and Malcolm are available for radio interviews.

Education Experts: Character Education is the Way Forward — Part II

Today’s students  may think nothing of copying and plagiarizing from the Internet to write a paper, or even having others write it for them. And that’s just the beginning.

As several studies indicate, there is a cheating epidemic in our schools, and it is not confined to low-achieving or unmotivated students. Today cheating is common among most types of students: boys, girls, athletes, smart kids, student leaders, and even those with "strong religious beliefs."

To Malcolm Gauld, this comes as no surprise.

"Kids will never misread our true expectations of them. They know we have created an educational system that values their aptitude more than their attitude, their ability more than their effort and their talent more than their character. They are surrounded by signs that tell them that WHAT they can do is more important than WHO they are, regardless of the code of conduct posters on the classroom wall."

Gauld is president of Hyde Schools, a network of public charter and prep schools in New York City, Washington DC, Connecticut and Maine that are rooted in character education. Along with his wife Laura, he is the author of the parenting book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” and the seminars that emerged from it.

Gauld asserts that, in short, many students are not learning, but doing only what they need to do to make the grade — thereby setting themselves up for a tremendous pitfall.

“We live in an achievement culture that can make it extremely easy for test scores and awards to lure good kids into a false sense of fulfillment,” says Gauld. “Many students are pushed to succeed by parents and a grade-based system that starts naming winners at an early age. A 'win at any cost' philosophy takes over. Kids are gripped by these powerful influences that can and do manifest themselves in potentially harmful ways.”

There are serious ramifications to winning at any cost, according to Gauld. One of those harmful ways is the loss of the opportunity to build real self-esteem earned by genuine best efforts and hard work.

“The development of authentic self-esteem — and the greatest chance of true and meaningful success — rest on a foundation of principles and knowing you have done your best with honest efforts,” says Gauld. ”True self-esteem is essential, and once earned can never be taken away.”

For Hyde Schools, the foundation of guiding principles lies in what they call the 10 Priorities.

These include priorities that can go against the grain of our culture, including: Truth over Harmony; Principles over Rules; Attitude over Aptitude; Valuing Success and Failure; among others.

According to Gauld, the principles are the same for everyone, whether they are "easy A" students, academically challenged, or struggling with prioritizing. As a result, the students are encouraged to be who they are, share who they are, and grow in a genuine fashion together.

The shift in priorities results in the absence of cheating and other trends that blight the school system, including bullying.

"Character is inspired, not imparted," he says. "We cannot pour it into our kids or our families. It must be developed and nurtured. In a character culture, achievement is valued, but principles are valued more. What you stand for is more important than how you stack up against others."

For more information on parenting and education experts Laura and Malcolm Gauld, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at rmulligan@hyde.edu and visit Hyde.edu.

Education Experts: Why Bullying Continues to Thrive

What’s the hot video on YouTube this week? The latest song by Katy Perry? A Justin Bieber faux pas?  Guess again.

It is a video of Congressman Joel Burns of Texas sharing his emotional testimony about bullying at a Fort Worth City Council meeting. The video has garnered more than 1.6 million clicks, his anti-bullying message has gone viral, and it is reported that he has received more than 7,000 messages through e-mail and Facebook.

“It comes as no surprise that the congressman was a victim of bullying himself, and that he would receive such a substantial response,” says Malcolm Gauld, president of Hyde Schools and co-author with his wife Laura of the parenting book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have.” “Teen bullying has reached epidemic levels in our country, and it is beginning at a younger and younger age.”

“Often bullying goes on for years, beginning in elementary school and growing much worse in middle school,” says Laura Gauld. “Many parents are concerned that bullying is associated with teen suicide.”

At present there is a national focus on bullying, and families are hoping for a solution—one that can include school administrators, the community, students and parents.

The Gaulds have experience in the solution.

“We have found that the way to end bullying is not to address it as an unfortunate outcome, but to prevent it from beginning,” says Malcolm. “We have done this by creating and supporting a character culture in our schools and community.”

The Hyde Schools are an organization of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington DC with 45 years of experience in character education. The result is a respectful school environment with minimal bullying.

Notably, the Hyde School in Washington D.C. is an urban school with the unique absence of metal detectors at the entrance. They are not necessary.

As opposed to typical punitive actions in response to bullying (in environments that tend to encourage bullying) the Gaulds suggest the creation of a character culture where deeper principles are at the core of relationships and daily life.

“We tend to think that we can tackle bullying by using a defensive approach,” says Laura. “If we’re serious about diminishing it, we create environments for children that encourage honesty and compassion—THAT has to be the priority. We can’t just say we have an intolerance for bullying, we have to live in our environments in a way that doesn’t breed it.”

Malcolm adds: Taking an offensive approach means we’re serious about raising good, decent human beings with strong character who wouldn’t tolerate bullying themselves.”

The Gaulds refer to the 10 Priorities or principles, which they have implemented in their schools, to create an environment where bullying won’t thrive. The principles include:

TRUTH OVER HARMONY
This priority calls upon us to put the weight of our feet on the side of truth. Find out what is going on in a child’s life. Children, tell your parents, teachers and other adults in your life with whom you connect what is happening.

ATTITUDE OVER APTITUDE
Our families, schools, and communities can be healthy if we value attitude over aptitude, effort over ability, and character over talent. Parents and schools focused on only achievements can send the message that successful outcomes are more important than honest efforts. As a result, children often do not share their difficulties for fear of disappointing or giving an unflattering impression of themselves to the adults in their lives.

HUMILITY TO ASK FOR AND RECEIVE HELP
While parents and teachers focus on helping children, many avoid asking others for help. Consequently, they raise children who do not ask for help.

“When it comes to bullying, we need to do all these things,” says Malcolm. “We need to discuss the matter honestly and freely, value our kids’ genuine struggles and trials, and work as a team.”

Here are some basic tactics the Gaulds suggest:

1. Raise the issue. There is no need to wait for bullying to occur. Discuss it at home, in classrooms and groups.
   
   “We tend to have private conversations about bullying,” says Laura, “the kind of ‘let’s talk about this over here,’ or in the principal’s office, conversation. That’s one way to fuel the bully. Stop making it a private, personal issue. It’s a community issue that needs to be discussed openly, in front of each other, in the classroom, between students, and at home…loudly.”
2. Let students know what is expected of them.
   “It often isn’t spelled out,” says Malcolm. “Teachers and parents, tell your students and children exactly what you’re expecting of them. I expect you to… act respectfully… treat others well… participate in the positive environment of your home or school… if you don’t, you will continue to hear from me.”
3. Let it be known there will be zero tolerance for bullying.
4. Focus on the positive.
   “We sometimes are so busy focusing on our problems, we can forget to emphasize the positive,” says Laura. “Part of countering the bully culture is to show support for all of our children and to tell them when they do something good, right or well.”
5. Praise acts of support among peers.
   “It is not cool to hurt your peers,” says Malcolm. “It is cool to help your friends. Our children and teenagers should hear that message loud and clear.”
   “An honest and positive school environment where kids look out for each other is possible,” say the Gaulds. “Students can't do it by themselves. We cannot do it for them. But we can form a partnership that gets it done."

For more information on Hyde Schools, Malcolm and Laura Gauld, and “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have,” contact Rose Mulligan at rmulligan@hyde.edu, call (207) 837-9441 or visit hyde.edu.

Experts on Bullying: When the “Refried Golden Rule” Doesn’t Work

When Laura and Malcolm Gauld began their careers as educators of Hyde Schools 30-plus years ago, they did not know that they would address — successfully — the insidious problem of bullying in the course of their work. The absence of the bullying that has become epidemic in our schools today was a by-product of their philosophy.
 
“It took some years for us to identify what had taken place,” says Laura, Head of School and Family Programs for Hyde. “The curriculum is rooted in character education, and we came to understand that bullying was not taking place because of the culture in the school. In order to stop bullying, the culture must change.”
 
“There are so many disturbing stories in the news about bullying and how it is increasing and moving into cyberspace and texting,” says Malcolm, president of Hyde.
 
“Every year, the public focus is on a line of questioning such as, what is the principal going to do, what are the parents going to do, how will the kids be punished, how can their behavior change? And every year, parents suggest that their kids ‘ignore’ bullies and offer the advice of treating others as you would be treated. But the ‘Refried Golden Rule’ doesn’t work.”
 
The Hyde Organization is a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington D.C.  Notably, a visit to Hyde School in Washington D.C. shows an urban school with minimal bullying and the unique absence of metal detectors at the entrance. There simply is no need for it.
 
How did this come to pass?
 
The Gaulds were able to identify that cliques are the prime breeding grounds for bullying. Cliques are closed groups consisting of people with like abilities, interests, beliefs, biases who, at best, close ranks against those who don't fit — and, at worst, tease, ridicule, and/or assault them.
 
At its inception in 1966, the first Hyde School in Maine put in place an honor code, which later came to be known as ‘Brother’s Keeper’ and the ‘Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. The message to the studetns was "We help others achieve their best," an academic expectation that competition would take a back-seat to helping peers overcome their challenges.
 
Unbeknownst to teachers and administrators, it would lead to helping kids through their personal challenges, as well.
 
“The Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper school community prevents or wipes out cliques by breaking down barriers,” says Laura. “Why? Because everyone puts both their strengths and weaknesses out into the open, thereby decreasing the need to put on false airs of superiority.” 
 
“The students help each other through learning curves — but they also call each other on their bad attitudes and any disrespect or violations they may observe. They take responsibility for their actions. The end result is a more respectful community.” 
 
Still, the Gaulds say it is not an easy road.
 
“This Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper approach among students is a tough buy-in because a student's initial association with it tends to be negative,” says Malcolm. “For example, say a student has committed a violation of school ethics and does not want to accept accountability for it, especially at the hands of a ‘brother’ or ‘sister.’"
 
“Also, some kids adopt a mode of operation, where they toe the line themselves but keep the blinders on relative to their peers,” adds Laura.  
 
Accordingly to the Gaulds, buy-in to the unique concept typically occurs after a student begins to perform well academically, athletically, or in extra-curricular activities, and the student makes a connection between these accomplishments and the positive peer pressure of Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. They begin to understand how getting the support and concern from their peers was part of the formula for their own academic success and many eventually want to pay it forward.
 
That said, the Gaulds believe that Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper has little chance of working in a school that insists on maintaining the traditional sanction of expulsion as a disciplinary measure, or what they term "Cops & Robbers Syndrome."
 
“The ultimate goal is to turn kids into adults who recognize that they will never achieve their best without the help of others,” says Laura, “and that they should not expect that help if they are unwilling to give it. It's a two-way street.”
 
For more information on the Gaulds, and the Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at rmulligan@hyde.edu, or visit hyde.edu.

Parenting Experts: What Mothers Really Want for Mother’s Day

As husbands and kids seek out the perfect gifts to buy, brunch to attend, and cards to make for mom this Mother’s Day, keep in mind that there is one gift for mom that surpasses all.

“Deep down, what many mothers want is to be the best mother they can be,” says parenting expert Laura Gauld, co-author with her husband Malcolm of the parenting book The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have, and the Biggest Job parenting seminars and heads of Hyde Schools. “Their greatest gift will be the satisfaction that they have raised their kids to be self-sufficient, compassionate adults with healthy self-esteem.”

But how can we make sure our kids head in that direction?

“While mothers give so much to their children, we can at times get a little lost in what our role is,” says Laura. ”Sometimes we want to hold and coddle our children a little too much, or not challenge them enough. We need some reminders. We need to focus.”

As a gift to mothers everywhere on this special day, the Gaulds offer some concepts on parenting that mothers can wrap their minds around in order to reach that goal. Here are some simple yet effective principles they recommend:

1. First, you have to understand your job as parent.
   
   This, the Gaulds emphasize, is the foundation of parenting. Like any job, one must understand the duties and responsibilities that go along with the position!
   
   “Most of the unproductive attitudes that surface in our parenting stem from a strong desire to play the role we WANT to play in our children's lives, rather than accepting the role we NEED to play,” says Laura.
   
   “We can be friendly with our children, but we are not their ‘friends,’” adds Malcolm. “Parents often make this mistake, trying to be buddies with their sons or sorority sisters with their daughters. We want good relationships with our kids, but our role is to teach and guide them, first and foremost.”
   
   This dovetails with a prevalent parenting trend the Gaulds coin as “love seeking,” where parents confuse loving their children with pursuing it.
   
   “We earn our children’s love by first earning their respect,” says Laura. “That means always seeing the relationship as secondary. Our job is to model daily character, demonstrate what we believe, and make choices that may or may not be popular. That’s parenting.”
   
2. Raise your children to be accountable to life.
   
   “This is vital,” says Laura. “We have only a short time to instill the values that will assist our children in putting their lives together. If we tie them to us, we may not be able to fully teach the lessons that life requires.”
   
   Laura offers some straightforward tips to help mothers understand and practice this principle:
   
   a). Don’t do for your children what they can do for themselves. This is a hard one. Don’t rush in to fix every challenge your children encounter. Learn to step back and let them work some things out for themselves with a friend, teacher or coach.
   
   b). Teach the value of failure as well as success. You experienced for yourself the life lessons learned from failure, as well as success.
   
   c). Give your children the same opportunity to grow and learn. Look for the positive but don't "gush." Praise your children appropriately.
   
   “We all want to eliminate the painful elements of our experience from our children’s lives – but we can’t,” says Laura. “They need to encounter similar struggles in developing their identity. If we rob them of this, we cause greater hardship for them as adults. Give them some facts and your good advice – then let them grow.”
   
3. Build family traditions.
   
   “The big picture of raising children is done with the actions, routines, and practices that make up a lifetime of memories, habits, and character,” Laura says. “It is never too late to start a family tradition, and often the value of these actions is seen looking back at one's upbringing.”
   
   Some tips to guide mothers in their efforts to build family traditions:
   
   a). Whether it's a weekly walk on a trail or to the park, sharing the preparation of a special meal where everyone has a part, or a family visit to the local animal shelter to volunteer, these activities will make lasting memories and add to your children’s positive attitude.
   
   b). Hold weekly family meetings where everyone is invited to share ideas, thoughts, fears, challenges and stories. Taking the time to communicate about what matters to each family member builds trust and a supportive family unit.
   
   c). Assign family jobs. Everyone in the family needs to own a part of the responsibility of creating a clean, welcoming, and organized home. One of the best lessons in life parents can teach their children is that being a member of a family or group means being a contributor to the betterment of that group. It also gives children an opportunity to learn something about themselves and how important work is in their lives.
   
   d). Take time out for mandatory fun. Determine a time when the family can come together to do something downright fun and silly. This is a time when each member gets to take turns choosing an activity and all members attend. It’s perfect. Everyone gets the chance to do what they enjoy.
   
   “It’s amazing how much family members learn about each other and grow to appreciate others’ interests with this simple exercise,” says Laura. “I have seen family members resist this adamantly only to later see the positive in sharing these family moments.”
   
4. Have faith in your child's individual potential.
   
   “Every child had a unique purpose in the world,” says Laura. “We must believe in that purpose, even if we cannot understand it, and we must allow the larger forces (people, faith, etc.) to play their role in our children’s journey.” 
   
   For mothers who want to help their children discover their potential, Laura offers:
   
   a). Resist labeling your child in any way. In this achievement- and diagnoses-oriented culture, it is too easy to assign a tag to a child – the good one, the fat one, the smart one, the dumb one, the angry one. Honor your children’s individuality by allowing them to share their own moments of self-discovery and guiding them toward becoming the people they are meant to be.
   
   b). Give other adult mentors in your children’s lives the chance to challenge guide, support, and challenge them.
   
   “Mentors often become the people in your children’s lives who can teach them what you cannot or reinforce the important lessons you seek to impart,” says Laura. “Allowing this to happen will provide another vehicle for your children’s personal growth.”
   
   c). Model daily character for your child. Relay in your words and actions that WHO YOU ARE matters more than WHAT you have, look like, or can do.
   
5. Mom, your own personal growth will be your true legacy to your child.
   
   Don’t neglect yourself. Continue to invest in yourself, to learn, to test yourself, and to grow as a person and parent.
   
   “We will be a mother until we breathe our last breath,” says Laura. “Our continued growth will trump any successes, talents, failures or mistakes we think will impact them more. It is our greatest example.”

For more information about Malcolm and Laura Gauld, the Hyde Schools and programs for teenagers, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at rmulligan@hyde.edu or visit greatparenting101.com or hyde.edu.

Parenting Experts: The Truth About Lying to Your Kids

When Jennifer, a mother of two, heard her 14-year-old daughter, Margaret, tell a hopeful suitor over the telephone that she couldn’t go to the movies with him because she had to study, Jennifer was only “mildly” concerned about the “white” lie. Jennifer knew Margaret wasn’t interested in the boy, didn’t have to study, and was trying to avoid a potentially awkward situation. She was somewhat relieved that Margaret chose a compassionate approach. In fact, Jennifer went so far as to hand Margaret an approving pat on the back.
 
Examples of parents establishing a hazy line between lying and telling the truth are easily found in homes across the country. And yet according to recent studies, honesty is the number one trait parents hope to see in their children.
 
These same studies revealed that 96 percent of children surveyed lie to their parents.
 
Parenting experts Laura and Malcolm Gauld believe that the disparity rests in what parents are actually paying attention to versus what they say is most important for their children to learn. Leaders in the field of character education and founders of The Biggest Job parenting seminars, the Gaulds readily assert that parents are sending their children mixed messages because they are — themselves -- confused.
 
In a culture gripped by achievement and image, which increasingly leans toward materialism and competition, the Gaulds explain it is understandable that parents might fall into the pattern of reinforcing messages that can bolster their children or diffuse a potentially uncomfortable situation in some way, no matter what the consequences. 
 
“It starts out innocently,” says Laura. “Children are learning from their parents that an undetected lie, even the seemingly most benign, can reap rewards, prevent punishment and, most importantly, win a parent’s approval. In Jennifer’s case, the way Margaret handled the situation with a friend could easily be construed as harmless and possibly even helpful.”
 
This raises the possibility that while many parents, in theory, agree that telling the truth is the right thing to do -- that it is what they want to teach their children -- there are occasions when lying becomes an acceptable practice.”
 
“We can all relate to not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings, wanting to please someone, or exaggeration,” Malcolm explains. “We oftentimes easily rationalize these situations away as necessary acts of kindness or diplomacy.”
 
But deeper issues underlie a more serious outcome engendered by a parent’s dismissal or excusal of deceit — whether it is their own or their child’s. The Gaulds caution parents who become comfortable with drawing a gray line where lying is concerned, saying children typically won’t grow out of lying, rather they often grow into it.
 
Recent data suggest that children are learning at a rapid rate how to get ahead by cheating. As they grow older and their crimes become more serious, so too do the consequences for getting caught.
 
“Dismissal from school, a tainted reputation or transcript, or a criminal record is the converse of what parents want for their children,” says Laura. “And while we can only hope that these outcomes are the exception rather than the rule, they are very possible and real consequences to a life gone unchecked for too long.”
 
“What we as parents pay attention to is what we reinforce in our families,” says Malcolm. “The fact is that many well-intentioned parents who want to raise good, decent human beings and who believe that having integrity is important are only paying lip service to qualities such as honesty…and they’re not kidding anyone, least of all their kids.”
 
All of this dovetails with what the Gaulds coin as creating a “character culture” in the home — or a way to combat the ever-pervasive and sometimes subliminal seduction of the achievement culture.
 
“In a character culture, achievement is valued, but principles, such as honesty and concern for others are valued more,” says Malcolm. “That is, what you stand for, who you are, is more important than what you can do, or how you stack up against the others.”
 
The good news, say the Gaulds, is that when parents recognize the pressures that bear down upon them and their children, pressures that derive from a need to be accepted, to get ahead, or keep the peace, they can often resist the temptation to fall into self-defeating attitudes and actions that work against the very principles and qualities they value most and want to instill in their families.  
 
“What many of the parents learn,” says Laura, “is that as the family relationships shift from resting on a foundation of achievement and image to a foundation of principles, where there is little room for mixed messages, confusion, contradiction. The same rules apply no matter what.”
 
“Parents are the primary teachers and the home is the primary classroom,” Laura continues. “It takes a high level of awareness and fortitude to recognize the common traps we fall into and then do something about it, and sometimes it can feel like we’re moving against the tide. But the result is that we teach our kids the importance of being measured by what kind of people they are and what their true contributions will be in life.”
 
So, how can parents foster open dialogue and honesty in their children and avoid sending them mixed messages? The Gaulds offer three helpful tips:
 

1. Hold discussions with your children about which principles are most important in your family. Write them down; display them on a cork board or the refrigerator; and, most importantly, talk about them with your children every chance you get. When issues in the family come up (and they will come up), the principles will serve as a map and compass. There is a definite right way and wrong way to go, and messages are less likely to be misconstrued.
2. Model what you convey to your children. Don’t lie. And, if you do catch yourself in a lie, don’t be afraid to talk about it with your children. Letting them know you are human and offering them a sincere apology for falling off-track will give them the humility to ask for help when they need it and it will teach them that self-learning is a lifelong process.
3. Remember you are a parent and mentor to your child -- not a friend. It is not your job to persuade, manipulate, or coax your children into doing what you believe is right, rather guide them with love and discipline toward their unique best. Our true test as parents is to arm our children with the tools they will need to be independent and productive members of their communities and to set the course for them to live fulfilling lives.

 
For more information about Laura and Malcolm Gauld, their book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have,” and Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at rmulligan@hyde.edu, call (207) 837-9441, or visit www.greatparenting101.com or www.hyde.edu.