The Parenting Experts: Great Parenting

Parenting Experts Laura Gauld Serves as Guest Blogger on DrGreene.com

Parenting expert Laura Gauld and award-winning co-author of the book The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have is also the Executive Director of Hyde Schools. In this blog series, Gauld covers  important points for parents interested in learning effective ways to approach their teenage children about issues they face in today’s world. Gauld’s three decades as an educator at Hyde Schools have provided her the opportunity to work with parents and their children who seek guidance and support for raising strong families of character.

BLOG POSTS BY LAURA ON DRGREENE.COM:

1. Understand your Job as Parent
2. The College Waiting Game
3. Peer Support Can Prevent Bullying
4. Measuring success in School – What is the True Indicator?
5. The Cheating Crisis in our Schools

Joe Gauld's Repsonse to 'Tiger Moms' Published in Portland Press Herald

Maine Voices: Tiger Mom's methods hold lessons for American parents -- and vice versa Melding Chinese attitudes toward success with U.S. appreciation for individuality could pay off for both nations' children. BATH – The response to Amy Chua's Wall Street Journal essay, "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior," predictably was negative. But having worked in-depth with thousands of families over the past 40 years, including both Chinese and Chinese-American families, I think American and Chinese parents could learn from each other. VIEW FULL ARTICLE | DOWNLOAD PRINTABLE VERSION

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Martin Luther King Day: How Parents Can Help the Dream Live On

On January 17, we celebrate the birthday of the late Martin Luther King — and we celebrate also how many aspects of his legendary “I have a dream” speech have come to pass since then, including the election of the first African-American president of the United States, Barack Obama.

Over the decades since King’s assassination, we have remembered him as a heroic opponent of injustice, and perhaps as a martyr to the cause of unmet civil rights. But with the shockwave of hope that spun around the world after the election of Obama, perhaps now we can see deeper into the workings of character—and how Dr. King’s priorities, commitment, and dedication to his beliefs planted seeds that would grow to fruition in only two generations.

This is, of course, is a great example to our children, and those who were able to witness the election of our county’s first African-American President will not soon forget it.

But how can today’s parents help their children to nurture their dreams — and develop the character to live them out — in a culture that has become increasingly materialistic and success-oriented since the 1960s?

“Our culture and our educational system have become preoccupied with achievement since the time of Dr. King,” says Malcolm Gauld, parenting expert and president of Hyde Schools, a group of public and boarding schools that focus on character and leadership development

“We have come to measure success by jobs, grades, test scores, awards, and the cars we drive. We have created an atmosphere that places image and results over inspiration and the process of learning. Nonetheless, inspiration and the learning process remain at the core of growth.

Gauld explains that in a character culture achievement is valued, but principles are valued more. That is, what one stands for is more important than how one is stacking up against others

“Character is inspired, not imparted,” says Gauld. “We’ve learned firsthand at our schools that we cannot pour it into our kids or our families. It takes work, and sometimes we put our relationships at risk when we hold to our convictions as parents. But the strongest relationships are those resting on a foundation of principles.

Gauld and his wife, Laura, also authors of the book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have (Scribner) and founders of the seminars that emerged from it, teach those principles through what they call the 10 PRIORITIES — a collection of guiding concepts that are not always easy to embrace, but which produce great lasting results. They are explained here:

PRIORITY #1—TRUTH OVER HARMONY
We all want honest families. We also want everyone to get along. Which do we want more? This priority calls upon parents to put the weight of their feet on the side of truth.

PRIORITY #2—PRINCIPLES OVER RULES
We tend to apply rules when things start to spin out of control. But rules alone are not a guiding force. Rules must be rooted in deep principles.

PRIORITY #3—ATTITUDE OVER APTITUDE
Parents can help their children by sending the message that honest efforts are more important than successful outcomes.

PRIORITY #4—SET HIGH EXPECTATIONS and LET GO OF THE OUTCOMES
We need to aim high with our expectations for our kids and resist “lowering the bar” when we sense that our children are encountering difficulty. Letting go of the outcome allows our children to take responsibility for their actions.

PRIORITY #5—VALUE SUCCESS AND FAILURE
Today’s parents have a hard time letting their children fail. Success is important, but failure can teach powerful lifelong lessons leading to profound personal growth.

PRIORITY #6—ALLOW OBSTACLES TO BECOME OPPORTUNITIES
We can get caught up in trying to “fix” our children’s problems (e.g., disagreements with their teachers, coaches, etc.) instead of seeing the potential for positive learning opportunities.

PRIORITY #7—TAKING HOLD AND LETTING GO
It is hard to watch our children struggle with life’s challenges. When should we step in? When should we step away? This is one of the toughest parenting dilemmas. We practice letting go, when appropriate.

PRIORITY #8—CREATE A CHARACTER CULTURE
This priority can help parents create an atmosphere of character in the home through the application of a three-point plan: a daily job, a weekly family meeting, and a concept called “mandatory fun.”

PRIORITY #9—HUMILITY TO ASK FOR AND RECEIVE HELP
While parents focus on helping their children, many avoid asking others for help. Consequently, they raise children who do not ask for help.

PRIORITY #10—INSPIRATION: JOB #1
Regardless of what they might say or do, children and teens share a deep yearning to be inspired by their parents. Ironically, we will not inspire our children with our achievements. We best inspire them when we share our struggles, reach for our best, and model daily character.

Character Education is the Way Forward - Part Two

SUMMARY: Laura and Malcolm Gauld, parenting and education experts, have prepared a timely 3-part series for your education focus. Enclosed is the second article of the three.

These address the issue of character and challenges that pertain to middle school and high school kids across the nation — namely, character and sports, cheating and bullying, peer pressure, academic pressure, and other important topics. You are invited to run these as a series, or to use any of the press releases.

The Gaulds have led the way in character education for three decades as leaders of a network of public and private schools. Their "Attitude over Aptitude" philosophy has been featured on many major national television, radio networks and news magazines, and in print. They are also the authors of the parenting book "The Biggest Job We'll Ever Have" and the seminars that evolved from it. Laura and Malcolm are available for radio interviews.

Education Experts: Character Education is the Way Forward — Part II

Today’s students  may think nothing of copying and plagiarizing from the Internet to write a paper, or even having others write it for them. And that’s just the beginning.

As several studies indicate, there is a cheating epidemic in our schools, and it is not confined to low-achieving or unmotivated students. Today cheating is common among most types of students: boys, girls, athletes, smart kids, student leaders, and even those with "strong religious beliefs."

To Malcolm Gauld, this comes as no surprise.

"Kids will never misread our true expectations of them. They know we have created an educational system that values their aptitude more than their attitude, their ability more than their effort and their talent more than their character. They are surrounded by signs that tell them that WHAT they can do is more important than WHO they are, regardless of the code of conduct posters on the classroom wall."

Gauld is president of Hyde Schools, a network of public charter and prep schools in New York City, Washington DC, Connecticut and Maine that are rooted in character education. Along with his wife Laura, he is the author of the parenting book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” and the seminars that emerged from it.

Gauld asserts that, in short, many students are not learning, but doing only what they need to do to make the grade — thereby setting themselves up for a tremendous pitfall.

“We live in an achievement culture that can make it extremely easy for test scores and awards to lure good kids into a false sense of fulfillment,” says Gauld. “Many students are pushed to succeed by parents and a grade-based system that starts naming winners at an early age. A 'win at any cost' philosophy takes over. Kids are gripped by these powerful influences that can and do manifest themselves in potentially harmful ways.”

There are serious ramifications to winning at any cost, according to Gauld. One of those harmful ways is the loss of the opportunity to build real self-esteem earned by genuine best efforts and hard work.

“The development of authentic self-esteem — and the greatest chance of true and meaningful success — rest on a foundation of principles and knowing you have done your best with honest efforts,” says Gauld. ”True self-esteem is essential, and once earned can never be taken away.”

For Hyde Schools, the foundation of guiding principles lies in what they call the 10 Priorities.

These include priorities that can go against the grain of our culture, including: Truth over Harmony; Principles over Rules; Attitude over Aptitude; Valuing Success and Failure; among others.

According to Gauld, the principles are the same for everyone, whether they are "easy A" students, academically challenged, or struggling with prioritizing. As a result, the students are encouraged to be who they are, share who they are, and grow in a genuine fashion together.

The shift in priorities results in the absence of cheating and other trends that blight the school system, including bullying.

"Character is inspired, not imparted," he says. "We cannot pour it into our kids or our families. It must be developed and nurtured. In a character culture, achievement is valued, but principles are valued more. What you stand for is more important than how you stack up against others."

For more information on parenting and education experts Laura and Malcolm Gauld, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at [email protected] and visit Hyde.edu.

Education Experts: Why Bullying Continues to Thrive

What’s the hot video on YouTube this week? The latest song by Katy Perry? A Justin Bieber faux pas?  Guess again.

It is a video of Congressman Joel Burns of Texas sharing his emotional testimony about bullying at a Fort Worth City Council meeting. The video has garnered more than 1.6 million clicks, his anti-bullying message has gone viral, and it is reported that he has received more than 7,000 messages through e-mail and Facebook.

“It comes as no surprise that the congressman was a victim of bullying himself, and that he would receive such a substantial response,” says Malcolm Gauld, president of Hyde Schools and co-author with his wife Laura of the parenting book “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have.” “Teen bullying has reached epidemic levels in our country, and it is beginning at a younger and younger age.”

“Often bullying goes on for years, beginning in elementary school and growing much worse in middle school,” says Laura Gauld. “Many parents are concerned that bullying is associated with teen suicide.”

At present there is a national focus on bullying, and families are hoping for a solution—one that can include school administrators, the community, students and parents.

The Gaulds have experience in the solution.

“We have found that the way to end bullying is not to address it as an unfortunate outcome, but to prevent it from beginning,” says Malcolm. “We have done this by creating and supporting a character culture in our schools and community.”

The Hyde Schools are an organization of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington DC with 45 years of experience in character education. The result is a respectful school environment with minimal bullying.

Notably, the Hyde School in Washington D.C. is an urban school with the unique absence of metal detectors at the entrance. They are not necessary.

As opposed to typical punitive actions in response to bullying (in environments that tend to encourage bullying) the Gaulds suggest the creation of a character culture where deeper principles are at the core of relationships and daily life.

“We tend to think that we can tackle bullying by using a defensive approach,” says Laura. “If we’re serious about diminishing it, we create environments for children that encourage honesty and compassion—THAT has to be the priority. We can’t just say we have an intolerance for bullying, we have to live in our environments in a way that doesn’t breed it.”

Malcolm adds: Taking an offensive approach means we’re serious about raising good, decent human beings with strong character who wouldn’t tolerate bullying themselves.”

The Gaulds refer to the 10 Priorities or principles, which they have implemented in their schools, to create an environment where bullying won’t thrive. The principles include:

TRUTH OVER HARMONY
This priority calls upon us to put the weight of our feet on the side of truth. Find out what is going on in a child’s life. Children, tell your parents, teachers and other adults in your life with whom you connect what is happening.

ATTITUDE OVER APTITUDE
Our families, schools, and communities can be healthy if we value attitude over aptitude, effort over ability, and character over talent. Parents and schools focused on only achievements can send the message that successful outcomes are more important than honest efforts. As a result, children often do not share their difficulties for fear of disappointing or giving an unflattering impression of themselves to the adults in their lives.

HUMILITY TO ASK FOR AND RECEIVE HELP
While parents and teachers focus on helping children, many avoid asking others for help. Consequently, they raise children who do not ask for help.

“When it comes to bullying, we need to do all these things,” says Malcolm. “We need to discuss the matter honestly and freely, value our kids’ genuine struggles and trials, and work as a team.”

Here are some basic tactics the Gaulds suggest:

1. Raise the issue. There is no need to wait for bullying to occur. Discuss it at home, in classrooms and groups.
   
   “We tend to have private conversations about bullying,” says Laura, “the kind of ‘let’s talk about this over here,’ or in the principal’s office, conversation. That’s one way to fuel the bully. Stop making it a private, personal issue. It’s a community issue that needs to be discussed openly, in front of each other, in the classroom, between students, and at home…loudly.”
2. Let students know what is expected of them.
   “It often isn’t spelled out,” says Malcolm. “Teachers and parents, tell your students and children exactly what you’re expecting of them. I expect you to… act respectfully… treat others well… participate in the positive environment of your home or school… if you don’t, you will continue to hear from me.”
3. Let it be known there will be zero tolerance for bullying.
4. Focus on the positive.
   “We sometimes are so busy focusing on our problems, we can forget to emphasize the positive,” says Laura. “Part of countering the bully culture is to show support for all of our children and to tell them when they do something good, right or well.”
5. Praise acts of support among peers.
   “It is not cool to hurt your peers,” says Malcolm. “It is cool to help your friends. Our children and teenagers should hear that message loud and clear.”
   “An honest and positive school environment where kids look out for each other is possible,” say the Gaulds. “Students can't do it by themselves. We cannot do it for them. But we can form a partnership that gets it done."

For more information on Hyde Schools, Malcolm and Laura Gauld, and “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have,” contact Rose Mulligan at [email protected], call (207) 837-9441 or visit hyde.edu.

Experts on Bullying: When the “Refried Golden Rule” Doesn’t Work

When Laura and Malcolm Gauld began their careers as educators of Hyde Schools 30-plus years ago, they did not know that they would address — successfully — the insidious problem of bullying in the course of their work. The absence of the bullying that has become epidemic in our schools today was a by-product of their philosophy.
 
“It took some years for us to identify what had taken place,” says Laura, Head of School and Family Programs for Hyde. “The curriculum is rooted in character education, and we came to understand that bullying was not taking place because of the culture in the school. In order to stop bullying, the culture must change.”
 
“There are so many disturbing stories in the news about bullying and how it is increasing and moving into cyberspace and texting,” says Malcolm, president of Hyde.
 
“Every year, the public focus is on a line of questioning such as, what is the principal going to do, what are the parents going to do, how will the kids be punished, how can their behavior change? And every year, parents suggest that their kids ‘ignore’ bullies and offer the advice of treating others as you would be treated. But the ‘Refried Golden Rule’ doesn’t work.”
 
The Hyde Organization is a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington D.C.  Notably, a visit to Hyde School in Washington D.C. shows an urban school with minimal bullying and the unique absence of metal detectors at the entrance. There simply is no need for it.
 
How did this come to pass?
 
The Gaulds were able to identify that cliques are the prime breeding grounds for bullying. Cliques are closed groups consisting of people with like abilities, interests, beliefs, biases who, at best, close ranks against those who don't fit — and, at worst, tease, ridicule, and/or assault them.
 
At its inception in 1966, the first Hyde School in Maine put in place an honor code, which later came to be known as ‘Brother’s Keeper’ and the ‘Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. The message to the studetns was "We help others achieve their best," an academic expectation that competition would take a back-seat to helping peers overcome their challenges.
 
Unbeknownst to teachers and administrators, it would lead to helping kids through their personal challenges, as well.
 
“The Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper school community prevents or wipes out cliques by breaking down barriers,” says Laura. “Why? Because everyone puts both their strengths and weaknesses out into the open, thereby decreasing the need to put on false airs of superiority.” 
 
“The students help each other through learning curves — but they also call each other on their bad attitudes and any disrespect or violations they may observe. They take responsibility for their actions. The end result is a more respectful community.” 
 
Still, the Gaulds say it is not an easy road.
 
“This Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper approach among students is a tough buy-in because a student's initial association with it tends to be negative,” says Malcolm. “For example, say a student has committed a violation of school ethics and does not want to accept accountability for it, especially at the hands of a ‘brother’ or ‘sister.’"
 
“Also, some kids adopt a mode of operation, where they toe the line themselves but keep the blinders on relative to their peers,” adds Laura.  
 
Accordingly to the Gaulds, buy-in to the unique concept typically occurs after a student begins to perform well academically, athletically, or in extra-curricular activities, and the student makes a connection between these accomplishments and the positive peer pressure of Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. They begin to understand how getting the support and concern from their peers was part of the formula for their own academic success and many eventually want to pay it forward.
 
That said, the Gaulds believe that Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper has little chance of working in a school that insists on maintaining the traditional sanction of expulsion as a disciplinary measure, or what they term "Cops & Robbers Syndrome."
 
“The ultimate goal is to turn kids into adults who recognize that they will never achieve their best without the help of others,” says Laura, “and that they should not expect that help if they are unwilling to give it. It's a two-way street.”
 
For more information on the Gaulds, and the Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at [email protected], or visit hyde.edu.

Starting off the School Year on the Right Track

Parenting and education expert Laura Gauld shares tips on how students and families can set themselves up for a successful school year on NBC-CT’s News at 11.

Back to School 3: When Parents Stand Up for the Things That Really Matter

Question: What do you do when your child is pressuring you for something that conflicts with your principles as a parent?

Do you: (a) look around at what other parents are doing;  (b) weigh your child’s grades and other ‘performance’ attributes against your principles; or (c) stand up for what you really believe in?

“This can be a difficult choice for today’s parents,” say Malcolm and Laura Gauld, the heads of Hyde Schools, a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington DC that focus on character education. “You’ll probably take your lumps if you answer ‘c.’ But there is no better way to raise your child.”

With three decades of experience in teaching students and their families to develop and live in a character culture and two decades of experience in parenting three children of their own, the Gaulds co-authored “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” book and parenting seminars, geared toward helping busy parents stay focused on the things that really matter — principles.

“Say you have a teenager who’s doing well in school, but has a bad attitude,” says Malcolm. “He tells you he wants the latest expensive gadget, like his friends have. Or perhaps he’s spending too much time social networking online and you want him to cut back. Should he be rewarded solely because of his grades? We see parents dismiss bad attitudes or habits when their child is performing well in school. But what message are we sending?”

The Gaulds point to the achievement culture we live in as a source of complication for parents.

“The focus is increasingly on grades, test scores and awards,” says Laura, “and not on the child—the whole child—and how he or she is developing, learning and making decisions. As a result, kids can adopt a ‘win at any cost’ mentality about grades, which can lead to a bad attitude, a compromised character, and even cheating and low self-esteem — a recipe for disaster. Further, the focus on external achievements as indicators of your child’s growth can put parents in a difficult position.”

The Gaulds’ advice: Be the parent who stands up for the things that really matter to you, regardless of your child’s achievements. To that end, they offer these simple guidelines to parents:

1. Define your principles.
What are your principles, as parents? What do you believe is right? Become familiar with your own beliefs, clarify them, and learn to communicate them to your child. Parents of good kids tend to think they don’t need to say anything, but your children need to hear what you believe, loud and clear.

2. Understand your job as parent.
According to the Gaulds, this is the foundation of parenting.

“We earn our children’s love by first earning their respect,” says Laura.

The Gaulds explain that we can be friendly with our children, but need to understand we are not their ‘friends,’ a mistake many parents make that can create unproductive attitudes because the dynamic of the relationship is askew.

“We all want good relationships with our kids, but our role is to teach and guide them, first and foremost,” says Malcolm. “Our job is to model daily character, demonstrate what we believe, and make choices that may or may not be popular. That’s parenting.”

3. Don’t look only at your child’s external accomplishments.

Often parents look at their kid’s achievements and think, "She's doing very well. She's getting all A's, is a very accomplished athlete, and does amazing work with her art. She obviously doesn't need help."

Talk to your child about what’s happening beneath the surface — i.e., stress, fears, attitude, relationships, anxiety, sexuality, friends, teachers. These are concerns and challenges that will not appear on a report card, and they are important triggers in your child’s life.

“In the end, we are here to help teach our children what we know and believe in,” says Laura, “so they can grow into the best people they can be and fulfill their potential.”

“Character is inspired, not imparted,” says Malcolm. “We cannot pour it into our kids or our families. It takes work, and sometimes we put our relationships at risk when we hold to our convictions as parents. But the strongest relationships are those resting on a foundation of principles — guaranteed.”

For more information about Malcolm and Laura Gauld and the Hyde Schools, contact Mark Murrell at (312) 315-6011 or (312)-955-8128, by email at [email protected] or visit greatparenting101.com or hyde.edu.

Six Steps to a Rewarding Summer with Your Teenager

Parenting and education expert Laura Gauld shares six steps to a more rewarding summer with your teenager on NBC-CT's News at 11.

Back to School 2: This Year, Inspire Your Child with Great Expectations

The new school year will be here soon, and parents are seeking the best back-to-school sources for supplies and clothes for their kids. But there are other ways to prepare your child for school — ways that can plant important seeds for their development and their success.

“The best way to prepare your child or teenager to return to school is to talk to them about expectations,” says Malcolm Gauld, president of Hyde Schools, a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York and Washington DC whose curriculum has been rooted in character education for more than 40 years.

“Get them fired up,” he says, “not only about their school work, but — and this may be even more important — their ATTITUDE toward their work, as well as their relationships.”

Malcolm and his wife, Laura Gauld, are the authors of “The Biggest Job We’ll Ever Have” book and parenting seminars that help parents connect to their role as their children’s greatest source of inspiration.

“Parents are busy taking care of so many things, it can be difficult to stay focused on our own attitude, let alone our kids’ attitude,” Laura says. “But it is imperative that we continue to set high expectations for them, and to remind them to have high expectations of themselves.”
According to the Gaulds, the importance of setting high expectations for your kids will ultimately award your child with, for example, freedom of choice — such as admission to their college of preference. 

“But we cannot look only to external achievements, such as grades, test scores or college acceptance as indicators of personal development,” Malcolm says. “Alone these achievements do not ensure a full, well-lived, successful life.  For that we must set high expectations for attitude. A good attitude will take kids farther than any report card in life.”

The Gaulds offer parents these simple guidelines to help them give their kids ‘the right stuff’ at the start of the new school year:

1. Set High Expectations and Let Go of the Outcomes

Whether it’s about academics, sports, or areas of personal growth, parents need to aim high with expectations and resist ‘lowering the bar’ when they sense that their children are having difficulty achieving success.
 
“This can be difficult for parents,” says Laura. “We live in an achievement culture that measures kids by test scores and identifies winners early in life. Parents can become afraid to let their children struggle to learn something for fear of a lower grade.

“But letting go of the outcome — that is, whether your kids win or lose — allows children the benefit of a true learning process, as well as the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions without feeling judged.”
 
2. Allow Obstacles to Become Opportunities
 
Parents can get caught up in trying to ‘fix’ their children’s problems — conflicts or difficulties with their teachers, friends, teammates, and the like — instead of seeing the potential for positive learning opportunities.
 
“Don’t rush in to help your child in all challenging circumstances. Weigh the situation,” Malcolm says. “Often, a scenario is ripe with opportunity for your child to think, assess, learn, act and grow. This is what helps develop real self-esteem. Not allowing that experience by fixing things takes that opportunity away from your child.”
 
3. Value Success and Failure
 
Success is not the only path along which children move ahead in life. As parents know from their own experience, failure can teach powerful lifelong lessons leading to profound personal growth. Give your children the same opportunity to learn.

“We all want to eliminate the painful elements of our experience from our children’s lives — but we can’t,” says Laura. “They need to encounter similar struggles in developing their identity. If we rob them of this, we cause them greater hardship as adults. Give them some facts and your good advice from experience — then let them grow.”
 
4. Inspiration: Job #1
 
“Parents, don’t forget that children share a deep yearning to be inspired by you,” Laura says. “When all of the noise of their athletic heroes, movie stars and pop music performers subsides, kids are most inspired by their parents. And contrary to the messages in our media and materialistic culture, we will NOT inspire our children with our financial of professional achievements.”

“So how do we inspire them?” Malcolm asks. “We best inspire our kids when we share our struggles and reach for our best.”

For more information about Malcolm and Laura Gauld and the Hyde Schools, contact Mark Murrell at (312) 315-6011 or (312)-955-8128, by email at [email protected] or visit greatparenting101.com or hyde.edu.