The Parenting Experts: Great Parenting

Experts on Bullying: When the “Refried Golden Rule” Doesn’t Work

When Laura and Malcolm Gauld began their careers as educators of Hyde Schools 30-plus years ago, they did not know that they would address — successfully — the insidious problem of bullying in the course of their work. The absence of the bullying that has become epidemic in our schools today was a by-product of their philosophy.
 
“It took some years for us to identify what had taken place,” says Laura, Head of School and Family Programs for Hyde. “The curriculum is rooted in character education, and we came to understand that bullying was not taking place because of the culture in the school. In order to stop bullying, the culture must change.”
 
“There are so many disturbing stories in the news about bullying and how it is increasing and moving into cyberspace and texting,” says Malcolm, president of Hyde.
 
“Every year, the public focus is on a line of questioning such as, what is the principal going to do, what are the parents going to do, how will the kids be punished, how can their behavior change? And every year, parents suggest that their kids ‘ignore’ bullies and offer the advice of treating others as you would be treated. But the ‘Refried Golden Rule’ doesn’t work.”
 
The Hyde Organization is a network of prep and charter schools in Maine, Connecticut, New York City and Washington D.C.  Notably, a visit to Hyde School in Washington D.C. shows an urban school with minimal bullying and the unique absence of metal detectors at the entrance. There simply is no need for it.
 
How did this come to pass?
 
The Gaulds were able to identify that cliques are the prime breeding grounds for bullying. Cliques are closed groups consisting of people with like abilities, interests, beliefs, biases who, at best, close ranks against those who don't fit — and, at worst, tease, ridicule, and/or assault them.
 
At its inception in 1966, the first Hyde School in Maine put in place an honor code, which later came to be known as ‘Brother’s Keeper’ and the ‘Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. The message to the studetns was "We help others achieve their best," an academic expectation that competition would take a back-seat to helping peers overcome their challenges.
 
Unbeknownst to teachers and administrators, it would lead to helping kids through their personal challenges, as well.
 
“The Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper school community prevents or wipes out cliques by breaking down barriers,” says Laura. “Why? Because everyone puts both their strengths and weaknesses out into the open, thereby decreasing the need to put on false airs of superiority.” 
 
“The students help each other through learning curves — but they also call each other on their bad attitudes and any disrespect or violations they may observe. They take responsibility for their actions. The end result is a more respectful community.” 
 
Still, the Gaulds say it is not an easy road.
 
“This Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper approach among students is a tough buy-in because a student's initial association with it tends to be negative,” says Malcolm. “For example, say a student has committed a violation of school ethics and does not want to accept accountability for it, especially at the hands of a ‘brother’ or ‘sister.’"
 
“Also, some kids adopt a mode of operation, where they toe the line themselves but keep the blinders on relative to their peers,” adds Laura.  
 
Accordingly to the Gaulds, buy-in to the unique concept typically occurs after a student begins to perform well academically, athletically, or in extra-curricular activities, and the student makes a connection between these accomplishments and the positive peer pressure of Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper. They begin to understand how getting the support and concern from their peers was part of the formula for their own academic success and many eventually want to pay it forward.
 
That said, the Gaulds believe that Brother’s/Sister’s Keeper has little chance of working in a school that insists on maintaining the traditional sanction of expulsion as a disciplinary measure, or what they term "Cops & Robbers Syndrome."
 
“The ultimate goal is to turn kids into adults who recognize that they will never achieve their best without the help of others,” says Laura, “and that they should not expect that help if they are unwilling to give it. It's a two-way street.”
 
For more information on the Gaulds, and the Hyde Schools, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at [email protected], or visit hyde.edu.

Olympic Pride and Miracles

Do you believe in miracles?

I’m note sure. The very question sounds corny. But I do remember right where I was in 1980 when TV sportscaster Al Michaels asked it to our nation in such a way that you just couldn’t answer, “No.” The scene was in a little town called Lake Placid and the clock was counting down on the greatest athletic upset of my lifetime: Our (That’s right…Our!) improbable (try “impossible”) win over the Russian hockey team. The images are etched into our national consciousness. Who can forget goalie Jim Craig, draped in the American flag, looking for his father in the stands? (Do you remember that that wasn’t even the gold medal game?)

While that was maybe the greatest Olympic moment, it’s not the only one. Remember…Maine girl Joan Benoit (Samuelson) entering the stadium at L.A. on that sweltering 1984 summer day as the women’s marathon champion;

• “He’s got six!” …was the announcer’s statement when Mark Spitz took his 6th swimming gold in 1972; (And we didn’t know he wasn’t finished.)
• Michael Phelps surpassing Spitz’s gold medal total;
• The Black Power salute in 1968 at Mexico City;
• Our national anguish in 1972 over the injustice endured by the US basketball team at the hands of blatantly biased officiating;
• The Dream Team (Bird, Magic, Jordan, etc.) of 1992 at Barcelona serving up a version of basketball that will perhaps stand forever as the sport’s penultimate standard?

And just this week, we were treated to yet another performance for the ages, by yet another Mainer: Seth Wescott’s dramatic come-from-behind (I mean from all the way back from last to first!) victory in the gold medal round of the snowboard cross event. (I mean, did you see that?)

Benoit Samuelson had this to say about it: “Talk about a world class athlete in every sense of the word….  I think everyone, no matter what his or her discipline or passion in life, could take a huge lesson away from the way he came back and won the gold. He certainly did his state, his sport, and his friends and family very proud.”

Yeah, that’s it. That’s why the Olympics are so great. The athletes at the games appeal to that thing in all of us that does, in fact, want to believe in miracles. Our daily lives cause the flame to fade away and then it’s reignited every four years by a new group of aspirants, most of whom seem to hail from Anytown, USA.

We don’t get that same sense from pro sports. Maybe it’s the money, or the scandals, or the corporate sponsorships, but that athletic genre is more about entertainment than inspiration. I have followed the Boston Celtics my whole life, but I tend to regard the players with a distant admiration, unsure of how to separate image from reality. Even though I only watch skiing, swimming, or track every four years, I find myself drawn in by the human drama of the incredible effort put forth by people, most of them seemingly ordinary, who want to see how good they can be at something. Whether hockey or track or…curling, they just plain go after it.

These people dare to pursue miracles and we live vicariously through them. Watching them on our flat screens, we accept that we could not match their athletic prowess, that we would not medal in anything. But we also think, even if just for a moment, You know, maybe I could “just plain go after it,” too. We might not get carried away enough to imagine that we could do either our country or our sport proud, but there’s no reason we cannot do “our friends and family very proud.” That’s doable. That’s also inspirational. You know, it might even pass for a miracle.

For more information about Malcolm Gauld, Hyde Schools, and The Biggest Job book and seminars, contact Rose Mulligan at (207) 837-9441, by email at [email protected],
and visit online at www.hyde.edu and greatparenting101.com.

Sports Genetic Testing—Winning at what cost?

With recent hype escalating around a newly released sports genetic test that can determine a child's athletic ability and, quite possibly, potential for college scholarship and professional athletic career, many parents are flocking to the source and asking, "How do I get my kid tested?"

Some experts say in these achievement-oriented, win-at-all-costs times, it is no wonder parents want to get their kids in line for the race. And it is no wonder that the marketers for the test are having a field day playing off the obsessions of parents.

But what of this race? What are the implications of letting a test decide what kind of athlete a person can be who is not old enough to understand what that means?

Laura and Malcolm Gauld say "detrimental." Recognized as leading experts on character education and parenting, the Gaulds believe genetics are only a fraction of what defines a superior athlete or person and the mentality that believes otherwise is contributing to a trend that lures kids into a false sense of fulfillment.

Recent surveys indicate there is a cheating crisis in our schools, and the problem is not confined to low-achieving or unmotivated students. Cheating is common among most types of students—boys, girls, athletes, smart kids, student leaders, even those with "strong religious beliefs." Why are so many students cheating? "Our culture has become preoccupied with achievement," the Gaulds explain. "Pressure for grades, scores—to win parents' approval and gain admission to colleges—leads many students to cheat. While many students are pushed to succeed by parents and a grade-based system that starts naming winners at an early age, students also feel pulled by a desire to get on a path to top colleges and high-paying job. Now genetics testing is being used to decide a child's potential with absolutely no consideration for pure determination, effort, or character of any kind." There are serious ramifications to ‘winning at any cost,' according to Laura—including lack of character in students, and also the lack of self-esteem.

"Never kid a kid," Malcolm says. "They will never misread our true expectations of them. They know we have created an educational system that values their aptitude more than their attitude, their ability more than their effort, and their talent more than their character. They are surrounded by signs that tell them that what they can do is more important than who they are."

Unfortunately, an environment that values only achievement can make it extremely easy for genetics tests, test scores and awards to lure good kids into a false sense of fulfillment. This is not the genuine self-esteem that is earned from the learning process—which includes mistakes and some hardship—and it can leave kids feeling empty.

"In a character culture, achievement is valued, but principles are valued more," says Laura. "That is, what you stand for is more important than merely how you stack up against others."

In addition to this pressure for external achievements, Malcolm Gauld identifies another debilitating grip on today's kids, which is the result of a prevalent mindset in our homes, schools, and culture, that asserts that kids need to feel good about themselves all of the time.

"Applied to education, this mindset seems to say, ‘If we make kids feel good about themselves, they will do great things,'" explains Malcolm. "But, in fact, it's the other way around. When kids do well, and do it honestly, they will feel good about themselves."

"Character is inspired, not imparted," Malcolm continues. "We cannot pour it into our kids or our families. Self-esteem—real, authentic self-esteem—is essential, and once earned, it can never be taken away. Our children should graduate from schools with a healthy amount of it. Given that, why would any parent let a test decide a child's future?"

For more information on Malcolm and Laura Gauld, contact Rose Mulligan at 207-443-7379, or by e-mail at [email protected].